It just doesnt end, i feel like i just dont feel like i can do this anymore....
9 years of no rest, no happiness, no friends, no love, and no sanity!
It just wont end. They think its only mental, but once u get crazy enough and far enough down the line, its enough to damn near kill you. If i dont die from a lack of sleep and no rest, it'll be suicide.
Ive been thinking about just slicing my wrist and watching my lifes blood flow out till i die.
I think about killing my self most days this month its so fucking horrible. I feel like god is punishing me for something, who knows maybe he just doesnt like me.
I stayed up all night tonight again..
Just couldnt sleep. Too much incoherent screaming. I also have touch hallucinations, which means i feel things that arent there.
That it self is a special kind of hell. Its always touching me down there, ya know.. down there. And it loves to fuck with my face, like its pulling upward on my noses, and also weird facial ticks, i get those alot.
Also i had a hallucination of my cat being murdered by a black trans named gretchen. I creid alittle.
I tried to fight back but of course its a hallucination so i guess i cant.
Gretchen is also a black belt, but i dont give a shit about that either.
Hes a fuckin asshole to me all the time, he tortures me alot and beats me.
Two days ago, some peace of shit in one of my hallucinations broke my cats jaw. I saw hs broken and dislocated. That was awful too.
I feel like im just making up what shrink i dont get to talk to by talking here on my blog. I really cant afford a good doctor....
Im feeling very tired i think ill try to get some sleep.
Somehow.........
Schizophrenia Sucks
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Wednesday, July 24, 2019
life these past few years
Hi guys, this is one of my first post ill be making on this blog.
Life has been very rough and unkind to me since my last post.
Everything has pretty much gone to shit. I lost both my jobs and havent had any luck finding work since last year. Last year i lost my most high paying job i had and now all i have to pay for food is SSI. Been living with my parents because of health issues.
Its a good thing too, because my schizophrenia has been close to a living hell, like hell on earth.
So, really Im just not in any condition to work anymore. Hell, i cant even drive for one thing because the docs said Im not allow to drive when taking my medication.
Im currently on Risperidone, benztropine, and 2 different happy pills.
They suck ass and make me sleepy and tired. they pretty much make me a ZOMBIE all day.
I asked my doctor to put me on new medication because they quite frankly the meds just aint doing the job. He said to me, "Well you havent been admitted to the hospital in a while." So FUCK, the dumbass wont change them. Also, for one thing I heard from a medical tech, that you actually need your meds changed every 3 years because your body gets used to them and stop working as well.
My docs a fucking dick and doesnt seem to care about me or my mental problems. I would think he would atleast try to do his job and help, but no, he wont.
So currently, I am working on getting a new doctor to help in a different mental hospital. I spent already, 7 hours on the phone trying to get a hospital that wants to help me, but they all said they are not taking new patients. So thats 7 hours of my day in the hole with SSI.
I plan on tomorrow doing it again, to see if i can and anybody that wants to help.
I hoping to find a doctor with good English that can help.
Today, has been the most peaceful of the last 10 months. I have been more sociable, and more energetic, and happier. The voices today, like I can hear them but, they just havent been terrorizing me much today. Not to say they havent but, im peaceful.
I will write some more later about my schizophrenic hallucinations about what theyre like and what they do to me on a day to day basis.
I made this blog mainly as a online diary, maybe for the people who want understand more about schizophrenia or maybe someone with schizophrenia who just wants to talk.
All are welcome to share there experiences with this horrible brain disease.
So, talk later, bye guys!
(Also I have other blogs if you want to check them out!)
Life has been very rough and unkind to me since my last post.
Everything has pretty much gone to shit. I lost both my jobs and havent had any luck finding work since last year. Last year i lost my most high paying job i had and now all i have to pay for food is SSI. Been living with my parents because of health issues.
Its a good thing too, because my schizophrenia has been close to a living hell, like hell on earth.
So, really Im just not in any condition to work anymore. Hell, i cant even drive for one thing because the docs said Im not allow to drive when taking my medication.
Im currently on Risperidone, benztropine, and 2 different happy pills.
They suck ass and make me sleepy and tired. they pretty much make me a ZOMBIE all day.
I asked my doctor to put me on new medication because they quite frankly the meds just aint doing the job. He said to me, "Well you havent been admitted to the hospital in a while." So FUCK, the dumbass wont change them. Also, for one thing I heard from a medical tech, that you actually need your meds changed every 3 years because your body gets used to them and stop working as well.
My docs a fucking dick and doesnt seem to care about me or my mental problems. I would think he would atleast try to do his job and help, but no, he wont.
So currently, I am working on getting a new doctor to help in a different mental hospital. I spent already, 7 hours on the phone trying to get a hospital that wants to help me, but they all said they are not taking new patients. So thats 7 hours of my day in the hole with SSI.
I plan on tomorrow doing it again, to see if i can and anybody that wants to help.
I hoping to find a doctor with good English that can help.
Today, has been the most peaceful of the last 10 months. I have been more sociable, and more energetic, and happier. The voices today, like I can hear them but, they just havent been terrorizing me much today. Not to say they havent but, im peaceful.
I will write some more later about my schizophrenic hallucinations about what theyre like and what they do to me on a day to day basis.
I made this blog mainly as a online diary, maybe for the people who want understand more about schizophrenia or maybe someone with schizophrenia who just wants to talk.
All are welcome to share there experiences with this horrible brain disease.
So, talk later, bye guys!
(Also I have other blogs if you want to check them out!)
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