God save me

Hey again, all I can feel is someone beat the crap out of me and saying that I made some sick.
I'm the one who is sick and I get blamed.

God help me...

Religious delusions

Hi guys, I have a story to tell you.
For 4 days, I have had a hell of a time with my schizophrenic delusions.
I have been hallucinating about a actually been in a Jewish he'll called she'll.
I had the delusion that all my schizophrenia is just atonement and repentance.
So it started like this, I was sitting in my room and this young kid comes into my room acting like it was his, and then what I thought was the father came into my room and said my full name, and then for some reason I couldn't really hear what he said.
After he walked in and said my name portal opened in my closet and somebody had walked through it and it disappeared and then I heard him say your body had walked through it, but ur soul stayed.
But, the whole time it was the little boy's dream.
I was just dreaming it.
So I really don't know what's going on with me and I'm left with utter confusion.
But, some time before this in some delusion I had a matter of months ago, went like this,
My room was blown up and I died in it and so did my parents.
So Jesus comes in the room and I told him to stick his own dick up his ass because I was so angry about all my family being killed and myself.
So he told me after i said that, that my hell is not knowing.

So all in all, I'm utterly confused if I'm alive or not.

This is just a little bit of what I've been having delusions and hallucinations about.
I'm thinking my meds need to be changed because they don't seem to be working.

I have bad shakes, and I've totally lost interest in every thing I used to enjoy, and all I want to do now sleep.
I'm pretty sure I might be getting diabetes. My blood sugar was 161.
All I feel is tired all the time. And some reason I have a big lump on my foot that is starting to hurt when I walk. It's been there for a month or more and is not gotten better. So, I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow.

That's pretty much what I've been through for the long time that I did not post.

Bye guys, let me know your thoughts about what's going on with me and if you've gone through this with your schizophrenia.

Iam feeling horrible this morning

It just doesnt end, i feel like i just dont feel like i can do this anymore....
9 years of no rest, no happiness, no friends, no love, and no sanity!
It just wont end. They think its only mental, but once u get crazy enough and far enough down the line, its enough to damn near kill you. If i dont die from a lack of sleep and no rest, it'll be suicide.
Ive been thinking about just slicing my wrist and watching my lifes blood flow out till i die.
I think about killing my self most days this month its so fucking horrible. I feel like god is punishing me for something, who knows maybe he just doesnt like me.

I stayed up all night tonight again..
Just couldnt sleep. Too much incoherent screaming. I also have touch hallucinations, which means i feel things that arent there.
That it self is a special kind of hell. Its always touching me down there, ya know.. down there. And it loves to fuck with my face, like its pulling upward on my noses, and also weird facial ticks, i get those alot.
Also i had a hallucination of my cat being murdered by a black trans named gretchen. I creid alittle.
I tried to fight back but of course its a hallucination so i guess i cant.
Gretchen is also a black belt, but i dont give a shit about that either.
Hes a fuckin asshole to me all the time, he tortures me alot and beats me.
Two days ago, some peace of shit in one of my hallucinations broke my cats jaw. I saw hs broken and dislocated. That was awful too.
I feel like im just making up what shrink i dont get to talk to by talking here on my blog. I really cant afford a good doctor....
Im feeling very tired i think ill try to get some sleep.
Somehow.........

life these past few years

Hi guys, this is one of my first post ill be making on this blog.
Life has been very rough and unkind to me since my last post.
Everything has pretty much gone to shit. I lost both my jobs and havent had any luck finding work since last year. Last year i lost my most high paying job i had and now all i have to pay for food is SSI. Been living with my parents because of health issues.
Its a good thing too, because my schizophrenia has been close to a living hell, like hell on earth.
So, really Im just not in any condition to work anymore. Hell, i cant even drive for one thing because the docs said Im not allow to drive when taking my medication.
Im currently on Risperidone, benztropine, and 2 different happy pills.
They suck ass and make me sleepy and tired. they pretty much make me a ZOMBIE all day.
I asked my doctor to put me on new medication because they quite frankly the meds just aint doing the job. He said to me, "Well you havent been admitted to the hospital in a while." So FUCK, the dumbass wont change them. Also, for one thing I heard from a medical tech, that you actually need your meds changed every 3 years because your body gets used to them and stop working as well.
My docs a fucking dick and doesnt seem to care about me or my mental problems. I would think he would atleast try to do his job and help, but no, he wont.

So currently, I am working on getting a new doctor to help in a different mental hospital. I spent already, 7 hours on the phone trying to get a hospital that wants to help me, but they all said they are not taking new patients. So thats 7 hours of my day in the hole with SSI.
I plan on tomorrow doing it again, to see if i can and anybody that wants to help.
I hoping to find a doctor with good English that can help.

Today, has been the most peaceful of the last 10 months. I have been more sociable, and more energetic, and happier. The voices today, like I can hear them but, they just havent been terrorizing me much today. Not to say they havent but, im peaceful.
I will write some more later about my schizophrenic hallucinations about what theyre like and what they do to me on a day to day basis.
I made this blog mainly as a online diary, maybe for the people who want understand more about schizophrenia or maybe someone with schizophrenia  who just wants to talk.
All are welcome to share there experiences with this horrible brain disease.

So, talk later, bye guys!

(Also I have other blogs if you want to check them out!)